Late Night Thoughts
by Enderkiller77
Summary: She had called them villains. (Read up to Chapter 99 first)


The walk home was grey. Dull. Sort of like rain but rain that was to wet. Rain that soaked into your clothes to much and weighed you down. Every step felt rough, not slick, and Tsuyu found her feet trudging behind her with every block she passed.

It wasn't that she had a pebble in her shoes or that the weather was downcast. It was actually a nice night. A starry night. A night she would have loved to gaze at through a window with a warm cup of jasmine steaming up the glass. So no, it wasn't the weather at all. It was the thoughts, the mood, the one line that kept repeating and hitting her ear again and again until it was hard to remember that she was the one who had said it.

 _'If you're planning on violating the rules just like that... Isn't that kind of behavior no different from a villain?'_

A villain. As if any of them were evil for thinking of saving their friend. Saving Bakogou.. That was probably the most heroic thought they could have. Rescuing a part of their team, taking responsibility for losing him, saving the day... Tsuyu couldn't lie to herself. Even if she didn't know Bakogou well she had to urge to jump in too. To save him. To bring him home.

But that was stupid.

What was a class of teenagers supposed to do against _them_? Against the people who built those... Those things. Those things with brains cracking out of their skulls and blood stained teeth and sadism that killed. Against anything like that man, the one who had his palm around her face. Whose hand was cold, cold like deep dark black death. That man who wanted her dead. Dead only to prove a point that he could kill. That he wanted to kill.

Tsuyu had to stop. She leaned against a street lamp and took a deep shaky breath. That day had been terrifying. It was still terrifying. And though she always spoke her mind she didn't speak it to everyone. Sometimes it was just to herself. Repeating it over and over with nightmares and memories.

Another deep breath. Calm down. Keep in control.

Tsuyu exhaled and rubbed her forehead. Her arms felt heavier and harder to move. A mixture of memories from that day and this night were weaving a headache in her mind already.

How could she compare any of them to a villain? Why? Why would she do that? How could she call Iida a villain? He could never be one. To strict in the rules. To many morals to even think of hurting others. How could she say that Kirishmima was anything close to evil? Like he could steal from someone without crushing guilt raging in his heart. How could she even suggest that somebody like Momo would be bad? That she could ever do anything to put down someone else and not feel empathy and pain for it.

Well.. It wasn't really saying they were villains, was it? No. It wasn't. Everyone in that hospital room could never consider the idea of turning away from the light. It was the harshness that was supposed to make them stop. The forbidden and horrifying idea that they could stoop low and become someone who could have blood on their hands and _like_ it. Of course that could never happen. But the thought that it might be true was enough to make them stop.

Right?

Right. It.. It may have been harsh but Tsuyu was right. There were rules for a reason. Villains broke those rules. Hero's kept those rules standing. That was how it worked.

Tsuyu gripped her head again. The pain was becoming sharper now. She shouldn't be thinking of this so much. She had to get back home. Mom and Dad would be gone tonight. Another business meeting in Okinawa. Again. Hopefully Samidare and Satsuki would have eaten the sandwiches and crackers left in the fridge. They probably got into the cookie jar too. Great.

Another deep breath and Tsuyu began walking again.

* * *

The house was quiet, save for the static buzz of a television and light snores.

Tsuyu took off her shoes softly and made her way to the living room without a sound. Samidare and Satsuki were both asleep on the couch, lying on top a half made pillow fort. There were cookie crumbs and chocolate smudges on their cheeks. Tsuyu couldn't stop the smile that spread across her face.

It didn't take long to rub off the food and put them both to bed. She had practice in this that spanned years. It wasn't hard. Almost like second nature at this point. It was relaxing too. Seeing her sister and brother mumble and smile in their sleep made her heart warm and headache dull down until it was nothing but a dull pulse in the background. She tucked them in with care and gave Satsuki her favorite teddybear to hold when she began squirming to much.

After that she went back downstairs and washed off the plates and remade the couch. Samidare had left his drawings all over the dining table again. Tsuyu piled up the pictures of rocket ships and his friends on the corner of the table so he could see them when he woke up and came down for breakfast. She placed some crayons there too, fresh ones she had bought for him a week ago, so he could draw his dreams from last night.

None of it took long and even if it was late, Tsuyu figured she might as well get a head start for tomorrow in case she came home this late again. She should cook something. A vegetable stew would work. Satsuki loved that.

Tsuyu got out all the ingredients needed. Her Mom had bought some of them the last time she was home, around four days ago, when Tsuyu had to stay late at class to re-do an English lesson. She felt a bit bad that her Mom had to go out like that. Business meetings always tired her out and it was painful to see bags under her mothers eyes and a limp from the stress she had after standing up for hours. Tsuyu always made sure to work extra hard when her parents were home. She hoped it gave them peace of mind to know their children were doing alright.

Augh.

Her headache was coming back.

Tsuyu shook her head and took out a knife. If she went to bed now then she wouldn't be awake enough to make dinner. She didn't want Samidare and Satsuki to go another night with a dull meal. They deserved more than that.

 _Chop. Chop. Chop._

Cutting the leeks and carrots made her head hurt with each slice. A rough pulse every time the blade hit the board.

Did villains ever cut like this?

Tsuyu stopped just for a second. That was a weird thought. She shook her ahead again and started to chop faster. A carrot slice fell off her knife and back onto the board. For a second the orange almost looked like dull red.

That girl she had meet in the forest, the one with the gas mask and voice that cut all on its own... She used knives too. Knives and daggers and that machine that sucked Ocahako's blood. That girl was a villain. She wanted to kill them. To turn them into dry husks. To let them die. Why? Because she thought it was fun. She had even called Tsuyu by her first name. Only her friends could do that. Not someone like her. Her with her knives and giggles and desire to kill and slice and-!

She had cut herself.

Tsuyu grit her teeth, dropping the knife down onto the board. A dark red line of slashed skin ran across her thumb. It hurt. Her thumb hurt. Her tongue hurt, phantom pain ringing across her nerves. Now her head hurt even more. Stabbing through skin with cuts and words. Screaming for Ocahako to run, to call for help. Pulling Izuku back as that monster tried to murder him with bloody fists and a dead eyed grin. Scratches her back had as she was pinned onto a tree and the bark clawed into her like it wanted to keep her stuck forever.

Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out.

She had called them villains. She had called Izuku something that made him just as bad as the girl who killed with daggers and giggles and talks about cutting up people with a smile. She had called Ocahako a word that would put her right in line with the man who's hands would shatter and break and who's eyes looked like they wanted to tear you apart.

Deep. Breaths.

Why. Why did she do that? Why was she such a coward? Was calling her friends evil supposed to help? What was she supposed to say to them next time? A sorry wouldn't stop how horrible they must have felt, to want to save their friend from murder and massacre and monsters and they being told they were terrible for even thinking of it.

... Would Bakogou be bloody when he came back? Would... Would he come back? Maybe she should have broken the rules. Gathered everyone up and rescued him. Prove that she was a hero. That her class were more than kids. That they wouldn't back down when one of their own was hurt. But that didn't make sense. They _were_ kids. Kids that could all die if they followed their emotions and need for revenge.

Her head was killing her. It was starting to make her woozy. Or was that her thumb? The blood was getting on the food now.

Tsuyu exhaled. It was shaky. Heavy. Every breath she took was beginning to make her head pound even more and more. She needed to go to sleep. Maybe take some painkillers before that. Samidare and Satsuki would understand if she didn't cook food for them tonight. They were good kids. They knew when Tsuyu had to rest.

It was hard to bandage her thumb but she managed. At least her headache wasn't getting any worse. It would get better after some medicine, which Tsuyu took with gulps of water from the big cup her Dad drank from when he watched his sport shows. She missed Dad. She missed him and Mom. They would have taken her to bed and put a cold towel on her head. Mom would have sung a lullaby. Dad would have rubbed her hand until she fell asleep.

She felt lonely. Tsuyu was used to usually feeling a bit lonely. This loneliness though... It hurt. It hurt a lot.

A part of her wanted wake up her brother and sister, just to hear them ask what was wrong and hug her and comfort her. But she couldn't do that. How could she break their hearts like that? To see your older sister crying about blood and cuts and headaches and nightmares that they could never understand? Tsuyu couldn't do that. She had to be strong. Had to be the person they could look up to. The person Samidare could brag about at school, how his sister was going to be a Pro-Hero one day and that he would be right behind her when he got old enough. The person Satsuki could always use for courage when she got nervous when she faced the kids who teased her about her quirk and told them her big sister used it to take down bad guys and save the day.

Another part of her wanted to call her Mom and Dad. To listen to their voices. To hear reassurances that everything would be fine. That she did her best. That she said what was right and shouldn't feel bad. That she could apologize tomorrow and her friends would stay her friends forever. But how could she do that? She couldn't make her parents worry. Not when they were miles and miles away, happily knowing that Tsuyu had tucked her sister and brother into bed. That their oldest daughter was learning to save lives and was smiling all the way. That she was finally making friends after so long. That she was happy. That they had raised a hero.

She couldn't show this to them. To any of them.

Tsuyu took deep breaths again and wiped her face. She wasn't tearing up. She wasn't. Just... She just had to focus on putting everything away. Then she could go to sleep. Yeah. That's all. That's all.

After some sleep she would be fine. She would make a quick breakfast in the morning and then go to school and all her friends would be happy to see her.

Everything would be fine.

She hoped it would be.


End file.
